Twenty-seven things I’ve learned in 27 years—Marriage Edition

December 28, 1996

This wedding to this man is what I dreamed of after a HUGE crush on this boy who was getting a “spot” perm in his mom’s beauty shop right down the row of chairs from where I was getting my own perm. Despite not talking to him on our first date, we somehow ended up dating a year later. And that, as they say, is where it all began. Navigating a high school and college relationship no doubt was easier back in the 90’s as there was not social media sharing every detail of our separate lives in the early college days of Steve at Baker University, and me at KU. After leaving for college, I’ve been told by my parents that there was some “art” that I created using “Kaufman” as my last name—before marriage EVER begin to enter Steve’s mind I’m quite sure. But you know—a girl and her dreams. I think I even went as far as to write out some names of our children.. (which we did not use, by the way)

Steve and Stephanie Kaufman

Our story that began in high school has brought up interesting conversations with our kids. Most notably that dating and marrying your high school sweetheart is not typical and a highly unlikely possibility. Although the kids have parents, aunts and uncles who all did the same. So what do we know anyway?

So as the saying goes, I should caption this how it started…right? Junior/Senior prom 1991 at Moundridge High School. Needless to say, by the time we were prom dates, I had obviously started talking to Steve. And he would probably say I haven’t stopped since.

There has been one time since our engagement and marriage where I seriously considered calling the whole thing off. There are some details that were very important to me in the presentation of our gifts to our wedding party. Little did I know, wrapping gifts would not be of high priority to Steve. What I envisioned and what he wrapped for his guys was dramatically different. To the point that I was honestly pretty disgusted at our rehearsal dinner when the table holding the gifts for our friends and family was half presentable. That would be MY half, in case you didn’t know.

Now, I am being funny…kind of. I truly was unhappy with this strange twist on what I expected and what was the actual reality. Reflecting on this scenario, it was a lot of foreshadowing of what was to come in our marriage. It was a realization of what really matters. And although both of us have been stuck in expectations, 27 years has helped us to recognize how to manage the less than pleasingly wrapped gifts. In fact, I’ve learned—

1.) Steve doesn’t even really like to wrap gifts. And I don’t really ever want him to.

And here are the other things we have learned…

2.) Steve is a provider. He loves to cut wood to warm our home, make homemade sausage for the freezer, and figure out how to fix things on his own. After one sweltering winter at our house in the country we never put our summer attire away because it was incredibly hot in our home. We came to the conclusion that it really needs to be at freezing or below before he starts the stove. And if the electricity goes out!

3.) Being together on which sports teams to love has been instrumental in our marriage. The NFL was never too big of a deal to me, so becoming a Dallas Cowboys fan was not hard for me to do. Especially when Tony Romo was playing. And the Chiefs? We’re surrounded by Chiefs fans and love supporting them when good friends gift us tickets.

4.) KU Jayhawks has never been a question. Basketball is a no brainer, obviously. And the last couple of years football has been a little bit more fun. And this year? We have loved supporting the Jayhawk volleyball team.
We’re together on the basketball—he loves football more than me, I love volleyball more than him.

We’ve watched and cheered on the Jayhawks to TWO National Championships in our married life.

ROCK CHALK!

5.) We’ve been talking basketball from the very start. From back in the 90s when Steve won basketball championships, to his participation on men’s leagues and let us not forget the church team. Fun fact: Steve got his first technical during a church basketball tournament. Many evenings have been spent sharing Steve’s glory days with the kids. And just a few months ago, a dream came true for us all when Landon’s basketball team brought home a State Championship after playing on the same court and with the same coach as his dad.

6.) Steve has been with John Deere for the majority of the kids’ lives. Landon could have had any tractor he wanted. The toy aisles were full of tractors and implements when we went to visit Dad at work. But not Steve’s son—he would not be playing “farm”.

The pediatrician said “make sure he learns to dribble”—which meant that he believed point guard would be the mostly likely choice judging from the height of his mom and dad.
7.) Support from Steve to be with the kids while I worked a few hours here and there at the hospital was huge. We both wanted me to be at home as much as possible—and being a nurse made that very possible. This left him with babies overnight who would not take a bottle. If only we had known what we know now. Ha!
8.) Steve was the best girl dad. We got lots of comments about “going for the boy”, etc. Honestly, that was never anything I heard from Steve. If baby #4 was a girl, he would have been just as excited. However, Steve needed Landon, and so did we. Of course, this changed the dynamic of our home. Raising a boy was different as we quickly realized.

Basketball season taught a lot of lessons. One of them—the tie.

9.) Things that were important to me became important to Steve. Or at the very least, he went a long with it. Coordinating outfits probably happened more than he would have liked, but he never made it a deal. It was probably easier that way?

10.) In our very first home we wall papered together. Thirteen years later, we built a house together. I would build a million houses before wall papering with him ever again.

11.) Raising our family in the same community where we both grew up has been a fun journey! Our kids have had some of the same teachers, played on the same fields and courts, filled the same lockers, and have maybe even sat in the same chairs, all while donning the red and black. Small schools offer unique opportunities to be involved and we embraced the fun as much as we could. Embarrassing for the kids? Probably. They had a mom with crazy ideas and a dad who would make it happen. Dress up like your volleyball player? Wear your SHORT basketball shorts while making chili? Nothing was off limits.

12.) Not only did we do things to embarrass the kids, but we did things to embarrass ourselves now that I’m looking back at pictures. We love a good themed party which gave Steve a chance to wear wigs. He believes I may be the cause of his hair loss through the years. Maybe?

13.) Opening up our home has been something we both love to do. First of all, it makes you clean your house. Secondly, we try new foods. And never have we regretted hosting people in our home.

a Sunday School Christmas Murder Mystery Party

14.) I’m not sure I grasped that I would be marrying a person who would bring with him every farm animal you could imagine. We’ve had chickens, rabbits, puppies, kitties, bottle lambs, cows, baby chicks, you name it. We’ve had baby chicks in our garage. In town. We’ve worked through some things and we have not had baby chicks in my garage stall where my car belongs ever again.

15.) Traditions have been central to the last 27 years. Making traditions our own has been very important to each of us and it has been fun to see what has “stuck”.

Our very first Christmas Lights Night 2006

16.) If you see pictures from our early years of marriage, you will notice Steve is quite thin. Me working nights, him working days left cooking and eating together as a low priority. As our family grew, so did my love for being in the kitchen. As Steve finally put some meat on his bones.

17.) Navigating our lives as new “empty nesters” has found me very uninspired in the kitchen. In fact, if Steve eats lunch out, I believe that should be a good reason to not have dinner that evening. This may be a source of contention we are working through. He is still not as skinny as our early years. Someone—please ask Steve out for lunch.

18.) Empty Nesting has also found us looking at each other weird on Friday nights. It’s getting better, but a quiet house on Sunday nights is still hard to get used to. Ironically, just a few years ago we were begging for someone to watch our kids so we could have a night to ourselves. And now we have almost every night to ourselves!

19.) Thankfully, our kids have provided us with something to do and somewhere to go during basketball season. Kourtney and Landon at Kansas Wesleyan has also been an adjustment as purple and yellow have never found themselves in our closets. KWU has jumped on the lavender trend and that is something we both have embraced! Roll ‘Yotes!

20.) Without Steve, I could not have been the mostly stay-at-home mom that I was. I wouldn’t be able to continue working, become a Mary & Martha consultant, become a lactation consultant and start my own business. I simply would not have been able to do any of it without him.

21.) Replacing appliances has happened more frequently than we expected.

22.) We have only liked one dishwasher in all of our years together. Get a BOSCH!

23.) Readers have become a piece of our decor, an accessory we don’t leave home without, and are purchased frequently.

24.) Steve is great at financial planning and budgeting.

25.) While I am amazing at laundry and keeping our family schedule.

26.) I’m good in the kitchen and Steve is good on the grill and roasting coffee.

27.) We are both thankful I didn’t call it off that night of the rehearsal dinner. We thank God for the story He has written the past 27 years and look forward to the next.